Monday, May 9, 2011

how to.

as graduation from college quickly approaches, i'm doing much soul searching. what am i good at; what will i be; how will i be; what the hell does my future resemble.


carrie: it's so sad; what are we gonna do if we become hobos.

josh: we aren't going to become hobos.

carrie: well what if we do? you never know what's gonna happen.

josh: ok, i'm never going to be a hobo.

carrie: how do you know?

josh: because, just like i know i can be anything i want to be, i also know that i'm not going to be anything i don't want to be. like, a hobo.


this conversation tells me two things. 1. i need to replace "gonna" with "going to" when speaking. is it really that much more of an effort to be grammatically correct? 2. i'm not sure i believe in myself.

so i've recognized my problem--my main handicap. lack of belief in myself. (well, maybe my main handicap is the inability to put together a coherent outfit, but nevermind that.) now onto fixing the problem. of course i turn to the most infallible of resources:

from this i discovered two things: 1. whoever bridgit mendler is, she apparently isn't very trustworthy; so much so that a how-to manual is available on how to go about believing her. and 2. (number two is always more relevant to the actual discussion at hand) apparently other googlers find it difficult to believe in themselves.

why is it that in a country where "anything is possible if you work hard enough," people find it so hard to believe in their ability to do what they want to do?

my friend laura might believe in me more than any person i know. and sometimes i think that if i had half of the faith in myself that she has in me, i could easily soar to where ever i chose to go. she believes in me to the point that it actually brings me to tears. like powerful and wild.

i think i'm broken, not in a poetic way, more in the way that a VCR is broken or my cell phone. some sticky little wire isn't touching some shiney piece of metal that it needs to touch, and i cannot believe in my potential for success. and it isn't a lack of confidence; i do what i do because i believe i'm good at it.

you would think that at the end of this post would be a pretty little conclusion about my new found faith in success...but alas.

that all being said, this isn't supposed to be some emo, self-loathing, black-eyeliner-like-a sad girl-post. just a little thinking. so i'm going to talk about something else to lighten the mood.

1. go 'merica
via solestruck. jeffrey campbell, let's get married.

2. kinda wish the sole was brown and wooden, but still lovely
trippen via solestuck.

3. sometimes i pretend i have retractable claws like a cat.